I know I haven…

I know I haven’t written in a while, but between everything I’ve been doing I just don’t seem to have as much time as I had hoped I would. Senior year is just not turning out the way that I had hoped it would. I had such grand plans for my final year as a child; that final year before you leave high school and decide the rest of your life in like 2 years.

I had these plans that I was going to have a perfect grade point average, excel at something, hang out with friends more, and fall madly in love. Not even one of these things has happened yet… I guess maybe we just shouldn’t get our hopes up, because (at least with me) my hopes always seem to get dashed. There’s no perfection, no popularity, and certainly of all no “Knight in Shining Armour.” I think I need a man, not just to love and protect me, but to save me from myself. I think I stress myself out, and I complicate things way too far. I expect too much from myself and I ruin things that are going good for me. Everytime I get close to having a relationship or letting someone close to me I freak out and run away and ruin things. I need to be more confident and understand it’s ok to let someone get close to me.

My friend recently left for college; the one thing I’ve been looking forward to finally doing. I think everyone looks forward to finally leaving for college and getting away from everything they once knew…I just don’t think anyone wants to get away as much as I do. But anyways, they love everything about being away, and it’s making me really jealous! But he’s recently texted me, and that’s where the confusion comes in. He just broke up with his girlfriend, and he literally texted me like not even a week after they broke up. He’s been telling me how he’s coming home, and he’s so excited to see me. He has asked me on a few occasions to hang out, and before he left and broke up with his girlfriend we used to flirt a lot and talk all the time. However, when I started to reciprocate the feelings and tell him how I missed him and wanted to see him he kind of freaked out. It was almost like he was afraid of what I said, and I haven’t heard from him now in a few days. I have no idea if he liked me, but I know flirting and I’m pretty sure thats what it was. I don’t know if it scared him that I reciprocated so quickly and aggressively, I don’t know if he still wants to see me, and I don’t have a freaking clue what I should do! Someone help!!

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